Over the past two years or more I have have grown estranged from a very close relation. Sadly after such a long time the lines have become blurred and I don’t think that either of us really know where the key lies. The key which opened the door to years of non communication and resentment.
What had transpired was very hurtful, I know that much. And over the years I have spent many hours pondering on this. What I could have done differently, what part of the blame was mine, who said what and when it had all begun to go awry. I comforted myself in the knowledge that as far as I knew,I had done nothing wrong.. To be honest I left the blame with the perpetrator – which of course was not me.
This week something inside me changed. When I took a closer look at the aching heart inside of my own self. When I turned from the outward projection of a distorted mirror , I realized that the mirror was veiled subtly in deathly Pride. Seductively, secretly disguised as heart wrenching hurt- Pride. The root of the unforgiveness and the resentment and the bitterness I was feeling-Pride. And I was the perpetrator.Guilty of clutching so tightly to its stifling fruit of arrogance and conceit.
And so this weekend, when I finally managed to put my pride aside, when I cast off its burdensome weight, and was able to see with unveiled eyes the wounds I have been inflicting upon my own heart. I was finally able to walk, not unfaltering into the light of liberation.
I called up this person. Incessantly. And finally realized that she was deliberately not taking my calls.
How naive I was to think that just because I had a revelation, that someone else was jointly responsible for it. And so just as I had painstakingly arrived at that door of light, it seemed to close, nay slam shut !right in my pretty face. You see the thing with pride or unforgiveness is that it holds no one else ransom but you. And I have grown tired and weary under its weight. But not for one minute more. And just having taken this first step has left me feeling so relieved. Lighter. Unburdened. Unchained. Free.
It took so much courage to approach the matter. The fear of rejection, the pain and the loss which had become such a crutch over the years, has given way. I cannot force anyone into reconciliation, but I can reconcile my own heart. And that’s the key.
I have managed to get a message to this person. She’s indicated that she isn’t ready to reconcile with me.
And that’s ok.
Love is the key.
Each day we are given a choice. We choose how we will interact with and in this world. How we will respond or how we will react. Whether we walk or whether we run.
Today I choose the path of joy. I choose peace. I choose love…